I loved this book! I do not have the same journey as Matthias, but his experiences are very relatable and there are truths he shares about deconstruction that benefit many of us “holy runaways” as we reconstruct our faith.
I appreciated what Matthias had to say about the parable of the seeds. I’d always thought the seed represented the gospel message and that our hearts are similar to good soil, weeds or rocky paths etc. I loved how Matthias flipped the script and said that we represent the seed, and sometimes we need to be uprooted from unhealthy spiritual environments and planted in healthier ones so we can grow and thrive.
Matthias delves into psychology and how our nervous systems can be regulated by shame-based theology when that is all we are used to. Shame ironically feels nurturing. He contrasts guilt and shame and describes our nervous systems, delving into the fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses, window of tolerance, hypoarousal and hyperarousal. I found this psychology lesson both fascinating and incredibly helpful.
Matthias also delves into the theological concepts. He addresses desire and how experiencing desire is part of being made in the image of God. Then he delves into Rene Girard’s mimetic theory, particularly as it is explored by Fr James Alison’s theologically. This had a profound impact on Matthias’s own God-concept. He admits to sometimes doubting that God exists and contrasts this with having faith that God is love and that the direction of this world is also love. I particularly appreciated the quote in the attached picture.
This book is also very personal. It is filled with stories from Matthias’s own life, relationships, his coming out and mixed experiences of affirmation and abandonment, and he shares a lot about grief that stems from feelings of rejection particularly from family members. I love this interweaving of memoir, psychology and theology. I love that Matthias is deep, and raw, and authentic, and that this is contrasted with faith, hope and love, which most of us deconstructionists AKA holy runaways need and long for.
