Reviewing “Parenting Deconstructed” by Jason Elam and Co.
This is a great book for parents, guardians, or want-to-be-parents who are on the deconstruction journey away from traditional Evangelicalism toward wholistic spirituality, maybe even atheism. I personally, have been deconstructing my faith for basically my entire adulthood. When I reached adulthood I was depressed and realized that my faith was doing me more harm than good and that things needed to change. I have never really left the church, though I’ve church hopped, changed churches, visited churches, explored various denominations, I have a degree in theology from a non-denominational Bible College and I spend a little less time going to church now and more time listening to podcasts and reading books.
Parenting Deconstructed tackles some of our theological concepts that can cause us to do damage to our children. For example, “spare the rod, spoil the child.” I decided that hitting my children was morally wrong before I had kids. But the sad truth is that since smacking was modelled to me, I have, at times, become angry and hit my children and I HATE admitting that. I hate that I’ve done that to my kids because I am convinced that it does more harm than good and this book, is one of those books that is pretty convincing to that end. Have a listen to this quote by Derrick Day:
The shepherd’s rod was never used to beat the sheep but to nudge the strays back into the fold. “Your rod and your staff, the comfort me.” Contrast this with “spare the rod, hate the child.” When I connected these two passages I learned that correction should be comforting. There’s nothing comforting about a spanking! Nothing!” In other words, if I spare comforting correction, I hate my child.
Isn’t that profound? In all my years of studying Christianity, the Scriptures, theology etc., I have never heard that interpretation. And it drilled home to me the importance of not hitting my kids. My kids are still very young and the more books that I read about this, the more I am convinced and better equipped to cease violence against my own children and adapt other forms of discipline.
Matthew Distefano goes into the science behind why physical violence against children does more damage than correction or teaching them anything good. He offers the “power-with” approach instead of the “power over” approach. This approach is: respect, collaboration, limitation which you can read in detail in the book.
Parenting Deconstructed also talks about teaching our kids to be brave. To be themselves. To find their voice. Validating children’s emotions. I loved Christopher and Elizabeth Eaker’s advice to “connect then correct,” and Mark Karris’s idea to use “time in” or “inward” instead of “time out.” So instead of sending my kids to time out or having a screaming match with my husband, I can create space to have time looking inward and calming my own emotions down so that I can “respond rather than react.”
Karl Forehand address purity culture trauma, which is one of my favorite topics. I still have purity culture trauma that affects my marital sex life and I am determined not to instill a culture of shame in my children. This book definitely addresses shame and self-esteem.
Jonathan Puddle talked about apologizing to our kids—which I have done many, many times and highly recommend doing.
Ben Delong wrote a vulnerable chapter about facing the darkness within ourselves, our worlds and even our children. The various authors talk about having compassion for ourselves, our partners and for our children. Being less self-critical and discovering our own values. Making space for differences between us, our partner and our children, including different theological or spiritual beliefs. The book talks about allowing our children to explore their own spirituality.
Over all this is an encouraging, insightful and helpful parenting book.