Book by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach & Joanna Sawatsky
There is some really valuable and insightful information in this book. The three authors delve into topics like respect, boundaries, dating, bodily functions, sex education, self-esteem, sexual assault and consent.
In the chapter “She Deserves to be Respected,” the authors addressed the acronym JOY that stands for “Jesus, Others, You” and how we are not called as women to ignore our own boundaries for the sake of others, we are called to love others “as” ourselves not more than ourselves.
In the chapter about dating they talked about desired outcomes for (female) teenagers as they enter dating and marriageable ages: “we want daughters who have high self-esteem, who choose good marriage partners if they marry, who are more likely to marry if they want to marry.” They also included abstinence until marriage in this list, but that is not a desired outcome for me personally as a parent of daughters. My ideal would be abstinence until the legal age of consent (18) and my preference would be that they also wait for love and respect, but I do not want to heap judgment on them if they choose to have sex (safely) outside of a committed relationship. It is no longer my choice or preference that matters, once my children have reached the age of consent.
In the chapter, “She Deserves to be Protected,” they delved into appropriate and inappropriate expressions of anger, and addressed grooming.
In the chapter, “She deserves to know about her body” they mentioned that “learning what a female orgasm is before turning eighteen is associated with higher sexual satisfaction later in life.” They point out that “body parts and functions aren’t sexual until you make them sexual.” Use correct terminology, teach them the facts, don’t be sexualizing in the way you teach kids about their bodies. Embarrassment around periods should not be happening in this day and age! Everyone should understand it and be comfortable with menstruating bodies doing what they do—I one hundred percent agree. I would go so far as to include marking the milestone of when a person begins menstruating and when they cease. (I wish I’d had a rite of passage.) Knowledge around condoms is super important, they are incredibly effective as a contraceptive and in helping people not to contract STIs. Teenagers absolutely need to be educated about condoms to make healthier sexual decisions. This chapter also talks about the wisdom of abstinence and I appreciate their reasoning (I am not against abstinence, I just won’t pressure my children into it. I’ll present it as one option among others).
My favorite chapter was titled “She Deserves to Understand Consent.” The authors talk about rape and sexual assault and how so many young people don’t even know they have been raped or assaulted because they don’t understand what consent actually is and they respond with very normal and appropriate flight, fight, freeze and fawn responses. Compliance is not consent. The book was also very clear that SEXUAL AROUSAL IS NOT CONSENT. I think this is one of the most valuable messages for young people and absolutely critical to sex education. This helps remove some of the shame around sexual assault and might just give people more of a voice to actually say a more clear and effective “no,” at any stage, instead of succumbing to coercion because they feel aroused. The authors discuss boundaries again, and address the messages a lot of males have received about their entitlement to sex. This needs to be un-taught in sex education. Men are not entitled to coerce and assault women! Some of the types of coercion they list include: flattery (not always but sometimes), “using a power imbalance,” “gradually wearing a girl down,” “overt threats” Girls are not gate-keepers and are not responsible for male sexual behavior. I want this taught in sex-ed, for sure!
While I may not be convinced that abstinence until marriage is the Christian sexual ethic of today, this book has a lot to offer parents who desire to give their predominantly female children (as this is specifically geared to mothers and daughters) appropriate sex education including assault and consent education.
