By Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach & Joanna Sawatsky
I love that this book takes married sex out of the realm of obligation and coercion and puts it back in the realm of libido and arousal.
This book is desperately needed by Christians, particularly those affected by negative purity culture messages, which seems to be mostly white, western Evangelicals. This book will help bring about a new sexual reformation, if we allow it. And we need it. Women with average libidos who want to enjoy orgasmic sex, are often suffering from the pressure to focus more on their husband’s pleasure and release and less on their own. It serves as a reminder that sexual pleasure is for wives not just husbands and it’s okay to talk about what we like and don’t like, what we want and don’t want.
This book identifies many unhealthy messages like obligation-sex; the 72hr rule; dressing modestly; men being full of lust; issues of period-sex and postpartum-sex; the ideas that male lust, male porn addiction and male adultery are the fault of women etc., and corrects and reframes these messages. After much research these messages have been proven harmful to marriages and particularly to women. The authors are passionate about undoing these messages and replacing them with healthier ones. This book is for all those who have been negatively affected by these messages–even those who haven’t yet realized these effects. This includes men who have been told that sex is all about their frequent need for release. Wake up men, it is NOT all about you! Sex is about consent and mutuality, pleasure for both parties, respect, kindness, love and intimacy.
There were, however, a few questions that arose for me from this book. Keep in mind that I am somewhere between Evangelical & “Exvangelical” so this part of my review may not apply to everyone.
Firstly, there is the question of masturbation. The authors said at one point that “While we have the freedom to say no [to sex], we hold in tension the fact that we are also the only proper sexual outlet our spouse has.” This implies that masturbation is “improper.” Having been single for my entire twenties, and suffering from extreme guilt over masturbation particularly as a woman, I eventually concluded that my guilt was irrational and that it is not a sin to masturbate but is actually healthy for my body. In fact, masturbation taught me how my body works, what it likes, and made it easier for me to reach orgasm during sex with my husband after we married. Now, I use masturbation to orgasm after sex if I was not able to orgasm during sex. My husband masturbates sometimes when I say no to sex. Neither one of us perceive this as unhealthy, problematic or sinful. I daresay we see it as being healthy for our marriage because it means that if one of us is really horny and sex is off the table for some reason, we can actually take care of our own sexual needs. Obviously the ideal is to care for one another’s needs, but when I’m hungry I don’t always expect my husband to cook for me and vice versa. Sometimes we meet our own needs while still remaining committed to one another and to the mutual fulfillment of needs.
Secondly, this book has a negative view of pornography, which is to be expected in Evangelical circles. In fact, this book actually taught me multiple reasons why porn probably is unhealthy. Those reasons included things like: pre-mature ejaculation; delayed ejaculation; arousal issues for men; objectification of women; unrealistic ideas about women and sex; (and the reason I have always believed to be the worst of all) the sex-trafficking and sexual assault / abuse of women. So this book has made me question the validity of porn use in my marriage, when in the past, I have never let my husband’s use of porn bother me. I never saw it as a reflection of who I am i.e. his use of porn has nothing to do with me or any failure or lack on my part, it has to do with his own lack and issues. I viewed his use of porn as no different from my use of rom-com movies which have been known to sexually and emotionally arouse me. And since my husband does not suffer from any arousal or ejaculation issues, I never really saw porn as a big deal. Now I am questioning that, for better or worse. And I’m questioning whether other women in similar situations would do better to be more gracious about their husband’s use of porn, or whether we would all do better to fight for the cessation of porn. If I had sons, I would want to be realistic about the temptation to look at porn, while also trying to at least delay their access to porn and instill healthy ideas about women and sex, and be blunt that porn is not a healthy view of women. It is objectification. It does encourage trafficking, rape and assault. Those things do disgust me, despite how casually I have viewed porn in my marriage. At the very least, these are points of discussion for me. This book has inspired questions and provoked more critical thinking. Maybe the answer is “both-and.” Our husbands need grace, as do women who objectify men more frequently than we probably care to admit. And we also all want to be working toward healthier sex-lives and sexuality.
Thirdly, this book says little or nothing about queer relationships which is also typical, but as a queer-affirming Christian, it just makes me feel sorry for the queer community and think this book may not be helpful to our brothers and sisters in Christ who are, in fact, queer.
Still, I would give this book a 9 out of 10, rounded up to a 5 star rating, because it is desperately needed and says so many helpful things that need to be heard and discussed in Evangelical circles!!