Deconstructing and Reconstructing Worship

I’ve been thinking a lot about both music in general and worship music specifically. I’m a musician. I sing. I play piano. I have written a lot of songs, chord charts and lyrics and lyric-less compositions for which I have been commended, though very much past-tense. I failed a piano exam way back in 2011 around the time my mother passed away and haven’t played a lot since, though I taught piano for 12 years. As a teenager I expressed a lot of angst, heartbreak, and other emotion through music. I could spend hours at the piano and feel better for it. I have worship lead in various settings, though the title of “worship leader” for the most part alluded me. I was not much of a “leader” to be honest. I could conduct a choir, follow a band, sing solo or duet and perhaps even “lead” from behind the piano, but take the piano away and I get a little awkward on stage. I can’t dance and used to tell myself I had no stage presence. I’m not charismatic or extroverted, I’m an introvert who only leads when the actual leader delegates to me.

But I always felt very moved by worship songs. I could get lost on stage, forget the congregation, raise my hands, project my voice extremely loudly, and yet in the same moment understand that the reason worship feels amazing is because there are a whole lot of people united as one in song, in rhythm, in their belief of the lyrics, in love for God; and a bunch of instruments and voices working together to make us feel that strong sense of unification, oneness, agreed passion—of being part of something greater than oneself.

It would seem that human beings have felt this kind of musical unification since the beginning. Think of tribal dance—moving and making vocal sounds to a specific rhythm. We love that heartbeat-resembling continuous drumbeat. We like to stomp and clap. We groan and make guttural noises because it expresses feeling and communicates meaning. It is in mutual communication and understanding that we become unified as a group. Music is group-ish (a term coined by Jonathon Haidt). Sure it can be individualistic, I love to sing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs in the car or on the treadmill, but someone created and recorded those songs, so there is still this sense of being united with others. And when I compose music or lyrics it is not only for myself, but aimed at touching hearts…

I think this is why music has power. And I think this is why we say we experience “the presence of God,” through music. Because there is this sense of something bigger than just one person. Something universal, perhaps. So many songs have moved me from a place of restless boredom, or depression, or anticipation, into a sense of empowerment, temporary-fulfillment, direction, purpose, peace, wholeness, and the more depressing songs have given me the sense that “someone understands me.”

Think of popular lyrics like:

“You are not alone”

“The enemy’s been defeated”

“I will survive”

“Jesus loves me this I know”

“But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”

“My heart will go on”

“It is well with my soul”

“You make me brave”

“Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s life”

“Imagine all the people, living life in peace”

“Amazing Grace”

“Somewhere over the rainbow”

These lyrics evoke a response and communicate to a wide group of people.

Music is also kinda hypnotic. The words we sing have an impact on our hearts and minds. The simple act of dancing or head banging also makes its mark on our psyche. We are expressing agreement and feeling the “truth” of the words, or the emotion behind wordless music.

I, personally, have never minded singing the same words over and over like they do in many Hillsong songs. I understood that those words were permeating my soul. I felt uplifted while singing “we lift you higher” over and over again. It seemed to elevate God, and simultaneously elevate my emotion and connection toward God.

And then a pastor stands up and says, “How beautiful is the presence of God, tonight?” And I agree… because it’s group confirmation. We are all sensing… something… and then being told “what you’re feeling is the presence of God.” It feels true. But honestly, this makes us very susceptible to manipulation. The words that follow the worship service make a greater impact, simply because we’ve been plied by worship music. How many times have I given more money because the words following the worship were about generosity and the promise that if you give, you will receive blessing… There’s no way for me to know if any churches figured this out in advance and deliberately used music to encourage people to donate more and to believe certain theological ideas. I don’t blame preachers for their messages since they are so often regurgitating what they’ve been taught. I don’t blame worship leaders for their abilities. I like to think people are generally not conniving.

Recently people have been talking about boycotting Hillsong music because it requires paying money to a corrupt system (in their opinion). I fail to see how paying money for Hillsong music is any different than buying a Katy Perry album or, my favorite, Pentatonix. In fact, if I’m really honest, Hillsong music has had a positive impact on my life, regardless of who they are, what they might believe, where my money might be going… I dunno… Telling me not to give money to anything related to Hillsong, is like saying that I have to stop buying pizza from Pizza Hut. You can give me a convincing argument about how unhealthy pizza is and then tell me why Pizza Hut is worst of all, but isn’t it a personal preference? Am I not exchanging my money for a particular service?

Hillsong is not much different than a rock / music concert. The more we dance and connect our bodies to the music, the greater the impact it has on our lives, our emotions, our feeling of connection to something greater than just ourselves. Even our admiration toward the performer/s is heightened. We “love” or “idolize” or “worship” them more because they made us feel something. And those feelings are very real and have group-based confirmation and validity…

So now, when I enter into a “worship” setting I keep in mind that I am uniting with other people on purpose. That I am trying to feel connected to something outside the limits of my own body, mind, and spirit, maybe even something transcendent. I understand that I am subjecting myself to whatever they want to teach me; that I will become more susceptible if the music rubs me up the right way! I am cognitively aware of my own choice to subject myself to the power of music.

It’s not just Hillsong music that has a profound impact. I used to get goose bumps and tears in my eyes every time I sang “It is well with my soul.” My dad’s favorite hymn. And believe me when I say my dad could belt out a tune. I hear that song and I am glad in my bones that my father feels safe in his religion. Maybe I don’t feel as safe and stable as I once did, singing this same song, but at least I have a memory of childhood security and reassurance.

I continue to indulge the power of music in my life by choice. The song “hallelujah” came alive for me after my first miscarriage. And returning to Hillsong, Joel Houston’s, “With Everything” does something to me that I cannot rationally explain. It makes me want to worship and persist in my faith and yet a large part of that song is just singing “wo-o-o-oah” and “with everything.” But that drum beat…Oh. My. God. There is something tribal that Joel Houston has tapped into in the writing and performing and various instrumental aspects of this piece of music. This is the song I think of when people suggest I stop listening to Hillsong music. I think: I can’t give up this song. The power in this song, at least for me personally, makes me want to fight for my faith… with everything. When I run on the treadmill to this song, I run harder, and faster, and longer, through tears and pain, my body screaming “Woooooaaaaaah… With everything we will SHOUT forth your glory.” Why do I want to shout God’s glory when I sometimes wonder if God even exists at all?? I think it is because, “The glory of God is EDJ fully alive” [Irenaeus]. The glory of God is the glory of the universe. It is creation fulfilled. Creation redeemed. Creation unified as one…

Hillsong music is no more or less manipulative than Michael Jackson or Taylor Swift songs. But we all have our personal preferences and susceptibilities. If it hurts you, if it is unhelpful to you, by all means, stop listening to it. Maybe for you it’s all megachurch music and the fact that some churches are money making machines that teach a prosperity gospel that tends to work best for the ones that are on the stage preaching it. You’re allowed to feel betrayed and manipulated. You’re allowed to quit buying or engaging in the songs or institutions that offend you.

I just want to sing along with my eyes open, keeping in mind the simple fact that I have earned money from music too and that I once dreamed of being like Darlene Zschech or Amy Grant… Musicians; worshippers; we are all just human, trying to connect to the divine.