Has anyone else had to deconstruct fleeces?
You know, the sheep’s fleece from the book of Judges? Gideon lays out a sheepskin “fleece” and says to God (I’m paraphrasing), “If it’s wet in the morning but the ground is dry, I’ll do such and such.” And then the opposite, “If it is dry in the morning but the ground is wet, I will know God is telling me to do such and such.”
I used to use fleeces to try to figure out who to marry!! Some people use fleeces to try to determine whether to take a particular job, or move cities, or maybe even have a baby…It’s a very Pentecostal thing to do. In fact, I think I was taught at youth group that fleeces were a legitimate way of determining God’s will for my life.
One time I said to God,
“If *Sam* asks for coffee at Bible study and sends me an email in this specific time frame, then he is the one.
If neither of those things happen, he’s not the one.
And if one happens but the other does not, then I’ll believe that fleeces don’t work and I should stop using them.”
(*Fake name of the guy I was “in love with” at the time.)
In my particular circumstances, I got the ambiguous answer and decided fleeces didn’t work. Not because they do or don’t work, but because I personally needed to learn that I have to make my own decisions.
God did not tell me who to marry.
Let me say that again, because I found it really stressful. I really wanted God to tell me exactly who “the one” was.
God did not tell me who to marry or who “the one” was. I had to make that decision for myself.
I came to the realization that us human beings are compatible with more than one person. And sometimes people do not reciprocate. Sometimes they do. Sometimes multiple people can love you at different times or you can “fall in love” more than once. Relationships can go in all sorts of different directions.
We have to exercise agency and decide for ourselves who we are going to date, who we are going to have sex with, whether or not we are going to make a long term monogamous commitment called “marriage.”
We can be terrified of making the “wrong” decision, but what if there is no “wrong” choice. Some choices are certainly more healthy than others. Some relationships are more healthy, last longer or work better, for sure. Sometimes we can make what feels like the “right choice” and years later feels “wrong.” What if it just means that relationship is over? What if it was right or good for a season? What if we are serially monogamous as human beings? What if we were not even designed to be monogamous? Or perhaps some of us are and others of us are not? I don’t know the answer to that. I only know that choosing to love, to marry and have sex with someone will always have risks and God does not always tell us what to do.
I know there are still people who have a very distinct experience of “God telling them,” or “love at first sight,” or “knowing they know he/she’s the one.” But for me, there was never just one “the one.” There was never an absolute knowing that I know. There was never a voice of God telling me to marry this guy or that one – though I projected that voice onto many of my relationships with men!
I had to decide for myself. I had to get rid of fleeces. I had to exercise autonomy and agency. I had to lean on my own judgment, intuition and experience. I even had to choose between risks. Risk getting married or risk being unmarried for even longer than my 32 years.
I’ve been married for almost ten years. I do not have a perfect marriage. But I have a good one. I have a crazy love story that involves two nationalities, cultures, and living in two countries! You could say, I took extra risks, and that’s probably true, but I don’t regret them at all.
I had to ditch fleeces and the concept of “the one” or “the right one” and the concept of “love at first sight” and the concept of “I know that I know” and especially the concept that “God told me to” or the concept of “God’s confirmation.”
I had to rely on what I believed made us compatible; what I believed was long-term love and commitment. I had to make a choice and take a risk to get what I wanted which was marriage, and sex, and children.
I hope this helps someone who is struggling to figure out “God’s will” in a situation where God may simply want you to decide and to learn for yourself.
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