Deconstructing purity culture, for me, has been about understanding that grace covers our decisions about our bodies and our sexuality.
I abstained from partnered sexual activity until age twenty-seven and from penetrative sex until I was thirty-two years old. I longed to get married by age twenty-five, but had never even had a boyfriend by that age. I had been on dates, I had even claimed to be in love, but I was also suppressing and avoiding sexual arousal and urges. I masturbated about once a month throughout most of my twenties and I felt tremendous guilt and shame until I was able to decide for myself that masturbation was not a sin. I basically had to “deconstruct” what was implied about masturbation to allow myself to enjoy my body sexually. It took a lot of time and effort to undo years of sexual shame.
But honestly, when I started to embrace the idea that masturbation was not a sin and was healthy for my body, I also started to question whether premarital sex was a sin. I was shocked to discover that most people (statistically) engage in sex outside of marriage. I had always assumed that the generations before me, my church leaders, parents, grandparents etc. had abstained until marriage, and I was simply wrong. So, if laying out the rules and motivating children through guilt was not actually keeping people abstinent, then why were we so convinced that it was wrong or sinful to have sex outside of the confines of marriage?
I wouldn’t say that I have specifically come to a conclusion about the rightness or wrongness or premarital (or extramarital) sex. I think it is very much situational. When two people engage in sex, they could be doing something healthy, mutually fulfilling, and affirming, OR, they could be doing something unhealthy and have a very negative experience. Yet, even through negative experiences we learn, and are enabled to make healthier choices in the future—so even if we judge a sexual act as a “mistake” we can’t be sure it wasn’t worth the lesson. Mistakes are redeemable.
I believe we need to make our sexual decisions under the grace of God, knowing that our mistakes are redeemable, and that some sexual experiences are very healthy and nurturing and actually bring us closer to God.
Even the act of raping someone is covered by God’s grace. But I think what we are learning about rape, sexual assault, and sexual violence in the wake of the #metoo movement, is that both people need to be enthusiastically consenting adults. This does imply a lower frequency of sexual engagement in our world. The goal is healthy sexual engagement. The goal is that it be mutually pleasurable and even bonding.
Our sexual decisions are covered by grace, but we still want to aim for healthier sexual ethics.
I have written a list of sexual ethics in my up-coming book “Deconstructing Religious Sexual Trauma.” I wrote these ethics with my younger self, and my children at the forefront of my mind. What do I want for them? What would I want for myself if I had a do-over?
The Bible is very unclear when it comes to sexual ethics. The church has assumed that the Bible teaches one man and one woman for life. They get this from the first few chapters of Genesis and then, chapters later, we clearly see men raping women, marrying multiple wives, having concubines and sometimes abandoning their “handmaids” and even their own biological children to the dessert. By the New Testament there seemed to be less polygamy, but divorce was a big issue. Women who were divorced often had no assets and few vocational options other than becoming sex workers. While I think that Song of Song and a few other Biblical passages can teach us some positives about sexual relationships, I also see a lot of pitfalls in the Bible.
And yet the people (and their actions) whose stories are recorded in the Bible are all covered by grace.
So as you re-parent yourself and raise children you hope will make healthy sexual decisions, give them the space to explore their bodies and their sexuality in ways you were discouraged from doing because the church wanted everyone who burned with sexual desire to simply get married young. This does not work for the majority anymore. Fewer people marry young and many people who did have/will divorce/d.
Teach your children about contraception, STI prevention, mutual pleasure and enthusiastic ongoing consent.
And always extend grace, not condemnation for sexual decisions.
Mercy triumphs over judgement, James 2:13.
Love/grace/charity covers over a multitude of sins, 1 Peter 4:8
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