At 4am this morning I had the profound revelation that I am deeply afraid of my own insignificance. I am almost 40 years old, and when I was 17 – my last year of high school – I told my class that my greatest fear was that I would get to age forty and I wouldn’t have fulfilled my dreams. These words have haunted me all year as I approach the dreaded age, and assess my life as having some successes and some failures.
In the past I grappled with my fears of failure and of success and I analyzed those. I saw ways that I occasionally self-sabotaged because I didn’t want to be “wrong.” Success was never as important to me as being gracious, yet authentic, and fighting on the side of love which I deemed the “right” side. My ultimate dream is to earn money from my writing – not fame and not necessarily a fortune, but enough money to validate my work. I feared failure at least as much as fearing the wrong kinds of success, because failure for me means having to earn money some other, less fulfilling way, or relying on other people to financially support me. And so I have struggled with this notion that I am failing because I am still not earning money from my dream.
But what I realized this morning is that my fear of failure and my fear of success-for-the-wrong-reasons pale in comparison to my fear of insignificance and yet I somehow never had the language to articulate this feeling until now. What I really fear is that my contributions to this world will not make the kind of impact I want them to. One that promotes love above all things. One that is worthy of payment for my opinion shared, for my life story and struggles and dirty laundry aired. I want to make an impact. I want to inspire. When I was young… I wanted to “write the words that changed the world.” I want to be worth reading. I want to be equal to the peers that I love to read. I don’t need superiority, but I do long for equality and I fear I don’t have it. I fear that I am not being heard. I fear that I am not even a blip on the radar of the people I actually want to reach. And why do I want to reach them? I just want to play my God-given part. I think that I do have a role in this world – I have a voice and a pen and paper – but I fear I am being drowned out. I fear I am falling behind.
Why do I fear that? In a world where there is enough space for all of us. There is no such thing as too many stories. No one can steal my thunder or take my place. I am not being excluded except if I exclude myself.
This deep-seated fear of insignificance has to go. It is destroying my work ethic and attitudes, it is driven by fear, not love. And fear only makes us smaller. It makes us egotistical not gracious and loving. It is self-sabotage: my fears of failure & success combined. It is doing me no good.
So I name it.
And I feel it.
And I let this feeling – this fear – pass through me.
And I die to it.
And I validate myself as one created intrinsically significant.
Not superior.
Not inferior.
Equally significant.
And I emerge ready for healthy success.
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