I have been thinking a lot about sexism recently.
I listened to the The New Evangelicals podcast critique on Harrison Butker’s controversial speech in which he specifically addressed women who were about to graduate from college: “I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.” As opposed to choosing a career path after studying for four years. They should be like his Catholic wife who is a mother and homemaker. It was further noted that he earns $4 million a year. I was appalled by Butker’s ideals.
I have also been reading books like Britney Spears’ memoir, “The Woman in Me,” Shannon Harris’s memoir, “The Woman they Wanted,” Donna Freitas’ (a Catholic scholar and feminist) memoir, “Wishful Thinking,” Liz Cooledge Jenkins’ “Nice Churchy Patriarchy,” and Dr. Brenita Mitchell’s “Sexual Terrorism.” I was shocked by the level of control Britney’s father had over her life and career through a conservatorship up until recently. I was further shocked by the sexist oppression Shannon experienced as a Pastor’s wife in an extremely conservative church and how she has also broken free. Donna addresses the sexism of the Catholic church and how she represents something very different and wants to change Catholicism from within. Liz opened my eyes to the fact that I grew up seeing and hearing more white men preach, teach, lead, and work in government, than women and BIPOC. And Brenita’s book has further opened my mind to how rape culture, purity culture and sexual assault (all of these basically come under the umbrella of sexual terrorism) are rooted in patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny within our societies.
I understand that not all of American culture or American churches are conservative and that there are varying experiences across different locations and denominations. Some of US culture is very egalitarian. However, both American and Australian cultures (the two countries I have lived in) were founded, no, colonized, on white patriarchal ideals.
I grew up in Australia, and my perception was that it was a fairly egalitarian society—or at least moving in that direction. I was fortunate to hear women preach, teach and even lead, from a young age. My uncle married a female Pastor and I remember realizing as a child that women could preach and lead churches too. I even considered the vocation for myself. I watched my mother achieve a university degree in her thirties (while I was in my teens). She was the first person in my extended family to earn a degree! Not just the first woman, but the first person! While her four children were below school age, she was a stay-at-home mother. By the time I was seventeen, she was a full-time employed, working-mother, probably earning more than my father. As far as I know, she was neither forced into the role of stay-at-home mother, nor was she discouraged from becoming a working mother. Both of my grandmothers worked most of their lives. All of my aunts worked at various times. I watched married couples negotiate how much time would be spent at home looking after babies and raising children, how much time children would be placed in childcare, division of household tasks and negotiating hours of work outside of the home. Mind you, I did observe that majority of the housework fell predominantly to women while I was growing up in the 90s. I have also seen a lot of shifts away from this, even in my own family in recent years.
I observed the Australian government taking steps toward improved maternity leave laws and pay. I watched as childcare became subsidized for lower income earners, and as “child tax benefits” were paid to households earning under a certain financial threshold. Not to mention universal health care meant that having babies was covered by Australian-Medicare and did not need to cost parents anything unless they opted to pay for insurance and “go private.” As far as I could tell families had a lot of options and support when deciding when and how much to work while raising children.
On the theological front, as a teenager, when I read parts of the Bible about requiring women to be “silent” in churches, men being the head of the household, and even more obscure passages about head coverings, long hair versus short hair, and menstrual period requirements etc. I made the basic assumption that this was all past tense. The Bible was written in a different time period. That was then, and this is now. But I am sure there were some churches and communities in Australia that did encourage the subordinance of women. I didn’t realize that it was still subtly there in the Pentecostal church where I went to youth group. Though women were permitted to preach, to lead, to be called pastors etc., the buck always stopped with the men. And fathers were still the heads of households. I failed to notice, or failed to see this as a problem.
My parents had a great marriage—in my estimation. My dad worked really hard to financially support our family. My mother took on typical female roles, doing all the cooking and the vast majority of the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the child rearing. But she also became a working mum, as I said. She and my father made decisions together. Actually, my mother got what she wanted most of the time. Happy wife; happy life—I think that was my father’s motto. I saw my parents as equals, who fell into stereotypical gender roles that seemed to work for them. I also saw my dad as the protector of the family. And this is where things start getting a little more patriarchal. I really did believe that his fatherhood of me, was meant to steer me in the right direction, toward the right kind of man that I could marry (and have sex with), and my “protection” would be passed from my father to my husband, along with my virginity, when I married. I felt that having sex without my father’s knowledge or consent would be disrespectful or dishonoring to his role as my father. I got that message very much from the church (not so much from broader Australian society) and it was very much patriarchal.
This only became noticeably problematic when and because I did not marry young. I expected to. I wanted to. But it didn’t happen for me. In fact, it was somewhere around Gen X and Gen Y that the trend of marrying younger shifted toward marrying a little older (read “Generations” by Jean Twenge). I was on the cusp of Gen X and Gen Y/millennial. I like to think of myself as Xennial. I actually knew what I wanted in life from the very young age of nine. I wanted to write books, get married and have kids. I had some musical dreams too, but those three were at the top of my list of life goals. I actually had to grieve not getting married or having children in my twenties. It felt like it wasn’t my choice or under my control. Nowadays, though, I’m super relieved I didn’t rush in to anything (not that all young marriages are rushed into whatsoever, I’m just talking about myself here).
So, the very first thing I noticed about patriarchal issues in my life, was that this idea that I was not my own person, that I needed a father or husband to protect and care for me, was not really true. We all need community, love, affection, attention, and to care for one another—I’m not denying that. I’m also not denying that men are generally physically stronger than women, and in that sense they can be really good physical protectors. However, things can go the other way and men can also abuse their strength and overpower women, taking what they want, especially when women are not encouraged to exercise autonomy! I now believe fathers would do a better job of protecting their children by teaching them to exercise their autonomy. I think all parents should be equal protectors of their children and that this protection becomes quite minimal once the child reaches adulthood. I don’t see this as a male role anymore, and I no longer connect it to “protecting virginity,” but rather to enhancing sexual agency: teaching children to make healthy sexual decisions!
As I look back, though, I also remember that some parents and students at my school lobbied for us (females) to be allowed to wear shorts and long pants during sport (gym) and PE, instead of wearing skirts. All Australian schools have a required school uniform and I’m just realizing, now, how gendered they are. Today, I would want to see more gender fluidity in school uniforms. I’m open to the idea of no uniform, but I also see the advantage of being able to spot your school or class group in a crowd of people.
Because of Liz’s book (Nice Churchy Patriarchy), I must admit that most of my Bible College lecturers were white males and the textbooks we used were mostly written by other white males. This is disconcerting. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice it at the time.
Nonetheless, I remember those male lecturers championing a contextual interpretation of the Bible. I was taught about “Corinthian slogans,” and how Paul was probably not sexist but was actually quoting a sexist comment from a letter written to him. And I was taught that some things—like hair length and women’s hygiene around their periods—really are past tense, just as I had thought. I was taught not to take the Bible too black and white literally in our English translations, because they were, in fact, translations that came from other languages and very different cultural contexts. Historical context was drilled as the most important consideration in Biblical interpretation. I also remember being taught to consider the overarching trajectory of the entire Bible. The Old Testament is more misogynistic and patriarchal than the New Testament. Considering verses like Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus, and the overall trajectory of the Bible toward the equity and inclusion of all humanity in the Gospel of grace, how could we not reject sexism as illogical and harmful?
Naturally, I rejected “sexism” in early adulthood (because of my trying-to-be-egalitarian Bible college), but I neglected to embrace “feminism” or take up the cause for equity. As I said, I simply didn’t see a drastic need for it in my broader Australian cultural context. It wasn’t until I moved to the United States in my late thirties, that I became more of a feminist. Because I saw the roots of patriarchy more obviously. I heard and read more about misogyny and discrimination. I was here, in the States, for the overturning of Roe Vs Wade and my views about abortion had swung to a kind of equilibrium. Sure, I would love to see the abortion rate go down across every nation and culture (and the sex education and use of contraception to avoid conception, increase and improve!), but I will always insist that abortion must remain legal because the mother’s (or baby carrier’s) right to health trumps that of the baby. Why? Because the baby will never thrive if the mother is not thriving. It is her/their body. It is her/their choice. The host deserves to live and to thrive mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, first and foremost!
While it may only be coincidental that I started learning more about the connections between patriarchy, rape culture, and purity culture, after moving to the States, I am nonetheless more aware of it in this cultural context, than the one I grew up in. Coming to the realization that one of the reasons sexual assault is so prevalent worldwide, is because men are often taught to feel entitled to act on their sexual urges, while women are taught submission to this sexually exploitative authority of men, my eyes have been opened to one of the biggest problems with patriarchy and sexism across various societies (not just western ones). I cannot uphold patriarchal, sexist and misogynistic views that perpetuate sexual terrorism!
In my personal life, while I was able to build a business as a piano teacher as a single young woman in my twenties, I couldn’t have survived financially without the support of my family of origin. That is a fact that I hate to admit. I have also taken on some fairly stereotypical gender roles. My dreams of marrying and having children have come true (later in life). My husband has most often earned more than I have and has worked more hours outside of the home. But I do believe I have an egalitarian marriage. My husband is very open to staying at home with our children. He is supportive of my dream of becoming a successful writer (and we do tend to define success in financial terms). We’ve even agreed that there is a time limit, and if I am not earning money in a certain timeframe, I will likely move into employment, or perhaps go back to studying and change careers. We also negotiate housework. Sometimes we fight about housework, if I’m completely honest. My husband has more of a “cleanliness” focus, and I have more of a “neatness” focus, so we do butt heads about things from time-to-time. I do majority of the cooking, but he also cooks at least once a week, which was something we discussed before marrying almost a decade ago and I’m glad we had that discussion. My husband is open to cooking even more frequently, but at this point, I prefer controlling what I eat.
Right now, I am privileged to stay at home with my kids while they are only just becoming school age. I am happy with the distribution of household tasks, and grateful that I have several hours per week to write—grateful that my husband is the breadwinner for the time being. We do what works for us. We negotiate. We respect each other’s goals, desires and dreams.
Over time, I have become increasingly gender egalitarian. I used the word “feminist” for a couple of years, but something within me said this isn’t just about women. It’s about equity for everyone, inclusive of all genders and sexual preferences. I’m no man-hater, nor do I want to focus on the privileges of white women at the expense of BIPOC women, trans women and men, and the broader LGBTQIA+ community. I’m more concerned about the equity—the thriving—of us all. I am passionate about reducing rates of sexual assault worldwide. I am passionate about people having access to sex education, contraception, abortion, education around consent, autonomy and agency across all genders. I still uphold that Scripture’s overarching trajectory is the equity of all humanity, not the subordination of women to men, not traditional gender roles or heterosexual-cisgender “norms.”
In her book, Sexual Terrorism, Brenita Mitchell defines gender egalitarianism:
Gender egalitarianism refers to the belief in and advocacy for equality between genders, where individuals of all genders have equal rights, opportunities, and treatment in various aspects of life, including social, political, economic and cultural spheres. It is an ideology that promotes the idea that gender should not be a determining factor in how individuals are treated or the opportunities they have… Gender egalitarianism strives for a society where individuals are not limited by traditional gender roles or expectations, and where everyone has the freedom to pursue their goals and aspirations without facing systemic barriers based on gender.
That is what I want. I dream of a gender egalitarian world.
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