I was recently interviewed by Bold Journey and they asked me about qualities that have been impactful on my journey. The first thing that came to me was empathy (you can read my interview here: https://boldjourney.com/meet-eady-jay-edj/).
I have been contemplating empathy for about a year, and I don’t believe that is a coincidence. Empathy seems to be under attack in our world today—particularly in the United States—and I have very much picked up on this vibe of hostility toward empathy.
Allie Beth Stuckey recently wrote a book called Toxic Empathy and I skim-read a sample simply to find out why on earth she would think empathy could be toxic. She writes that, “Empathy alone is a terrible guide,” basically because we can’t trust our emotions and empathy is “just an emotion.” “Love, on the other hand, is the conscious choice to seek good for another person… Toxic empathy says we must not only share their feelings, but affirm their feelings and choices as valid, justified, and good.”
I hear Stuckey’s definition of toxic empathy as a defense mechanism against employing empathy in certain situations like toward the person who wants an abortion, or the person who identifies as queer. She uses these as examples in which one might be tempted to feel empathy. And yet, leading psychologists would tell us that empathy leads to more positive ethical and moral choices.
In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown’s psychologically researched definition of empathy is that: “Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding… Researchers Peter Paul Zurek and Herbert Scheithauer explain that empathy helps interpersonal decision making; facilitates ethical decision making and moral judgments.”
Within days of reading Brene’s definition of empathy and writing about this very topic in my Reconstructing Sexual Ethics book, I received an email from Gary Alan Taylor, podcaster, writer and founder of the Sophia Society. His email was titled “The Sin of Empathy,” not because he agrees with this sentiment, but to argue against this emerging idea. He mentions Allie’s book, along with the Gospel Coalition, Focus on the Family, Mark Driscoll and others who have “popularized the ‘sin of empathy’.” Gary talks about how, leading up to World War II, Germany was a predominantly “Christian” nation that gaslit / gas-chambered empathy. The Nazi party committed atrocious crimes against humanity, because of “a lack of empathy” according to Captain Gilbert, an Army psychologist. “Evil, I think, is the absence of empathy.”
We cannot afford to sacrifice empathy on the altar of self-preservation and supremacy as Nazi Germany did.
Empathy is all about understanding that I am no more (or less) inherently valuable than any other human being. That includes those we think of as “enemies.”
About a year ago I put up a post arguing that we have no enemies. Jesus said both “love your neighbor as yourself” AND “love your enemies.” Jesus also said “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The golden rule applies to family, friends AND foes. We need to recontextualize those we have “othered,” dehumanized, or categorized as “enemy,” and embrace them as both neighbor and self.
Having just read King: A Life, I am all the more convinced that the only ethic is love. That the only path for change is nonviolent resistance. MLK had an extraordinary capacity for empathy. Perhaps he was a little blind to his own sexism and treatment of women, but even during the civil rights movement, he took the time and space to stand against the Vietnam War because of its violence against humanity. He wasn’t just concerned about the plight of Black people, but of all humanity. He was deeply concerned about awakening the human conscience. He knew that people needed to be set free from hatred, racism, and a lack of empathy. His vision was social, domestic, and also global. His dream was the brotherhood of man, in other words: the siblinghood of humanity. The equality and equity of the human race.
Empathy, equality, and equity, for family, friend, and foe.
There is no distinction… “For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28.
Brene Brown describes two types of empathy: cognitive empathy and affective empathy. As it implies, cognitive empathy is more of an ability to mentally understanding someone else’s emotions, or to take on their perspective. Affective empathy is “emotional attunement with another person’s experience.” Affective empathy can result in overwhelming emotion that often does not lead actual support. Cognitive empathy might also be described as active listening or mindfulness coupled with non-judgment.
“We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes.’ Rather than walking in your shoes I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.”
I have definitely experienced affective empathy that has led to a sort of hopeless feeling that maybe I can’t actually help those I empathize with. I have put myself in other people’s shoes by imagining how it would feel and essentially feeling the same. I even wrote about putting myself in other people’s shoes in my interview with Bold Journey, before reading what Brene wrote about this not really being enough. What is really needed is a deep non-judgmental empathy for the people that we don’t experientially understand.
For example, when it feels impossible to relate to how certain people vote or why they would vote that way, I can show empathy by really listen to their reasoning and the emotion behind their reasoning, and reflect those thoughts and feelings back, trying as much as humanly possible, to understand, to relate and to and hold their perspective without moral judgment.
I believe the only way to form ethics that aim for human equality and equity is through loving empathy. I hope that as we show empathy to those we disagree with, the entire world’s capacity for empathy expands and this concept of “toxic empathy” will fail when scrutinized under the light of real empathy.
Leave a Reply